Lord, be with me...

It's been an interesting few days, but then, isn't it always?  This is my life after all.  For those of you that know me, you know that I struggle with depression and anxiety.  For the most part, I am a happy and upbeat person who does the best with what life deals me.  That was a skill I was forced to learn early in childhood unfortunately.

However, Clinical Depression is not something that you choose to have or you choose not to.  There are things that you can do to help alleviate your own symptoms such as diet, exercise, meditation, nutritional supplements, prescription anti-depressants, etc. -- But when it comes down to it, sometimes you just can't fight it off. 

It is like a giant tidal wave that washes over you and tries to use all of it's earthly force to pull you under with it until you suffocate and drown.  I fight to keep my head above water, but sometimes it's just..., well, it's just plain HARD.

It doesn't start and stop with one issue.  When this overwhelming since of loss and pain envelop me, it makes me think of every poor choice in my life that I've made, regardless of whether or not it has ANY effect on my life whatsoever at the current time, positive or negative. 

It overwhelms all of the great things and love that I have in my life and makes me think of everything that I don't have.  I don't know if that's just pathetic or vain or whatever you would call it, but it's just plain hard.  URGH. 

This time I lost 4 1/2 pounds in two-days time.  Not that I don't need to lose some weight, but this isn't the kind of weight that stays off, just the kind that dissipates quickly because of the lack of desire to eat or drink anything.  I cooked for the kids and did the shopping and tended the animals and everything that needed to be done, but mostly walked around with this thousand-pound weight on my shoulders and massive black cloud over my head. 

I guess I'm lucky that I recognize the sympoms.  That's what my doctor says anyway.  He says that I can see the train wreck coming, I just can't stop it.  He says that for people that can't recognize what's going on with them, it can be much worse. 

What caused everything this week?  I honestly don't know.  Hormones???  Maybe.  The change in my medication??  Probably had something to do with it.  Darren having one of his most horrible weeks ever???  Definitely a contributing factor.  Missing my girlfriends in Pendleton and Pilot Rock desperately??  Probably another part of it.  But in all honesty, there wasn't anything that really should have knocked me for a loop like that.

What pulled me out of it this time?  Strangely enough, it was Colton getting his hand slammed in a car door so firmly that he couldn't pull his hand out of it.  The door was on child-safety-lock and all he could beg was for somebody to open the door, so I jumped across the car and the back seat to throw the door open.  As I was trying to get him to breathe and calm down, I was shaking horribly.  I mean, I can deal with small accidents.  I'm not that big of a wus.  It was something else that totally overtook me, but it seemed to wake me up a little.  I still feel incredibly weighted down, but I was able to vacuum and do the dishes and the other things that needed to be done that until now I just couldn't find the energy or stamina to do the past few days. 

So, in short, I am trying to pull my head out of my rear end, so-to-speak.  I have a lot to do this week.  My DHI Supervisor training; milking cows at the dairy three or four times; Scouts on Wednesday; helping at Colton's school all day on Thursday for school pictures which also happens to be his birthday and school birthday party.  Brian will celebrate his birthday with him tomorrow.  Aunt Pattie is coming to spend it with us for his actual birthday.  Colton is having a camping/sleepover with some of his buddies under the walnut tree on Friday night.  I'm sure it will be as busy and crazy as a week as ever.  With our life, you couldn't expect anything different.

I still have about five loads of laundry to finish tonight, and have to get the boys ready for school, so hopefully I'll get back on here at some time this week. 

All I can ask, as always, is that the good Lord be with me.  Grant me the Serenity and all of that jazz.... sigh........