Revisiting the past...

It's been awhile once again.  Time just seems to get away from us, doesn't it?

I've been on an interesting quest recently.  I have been fortunate enough to be provided some ample time for self-reflection and to dwell in my memories, trying to find some of the happy ones to go with the hoard of awful ones that always seem to haunt me.

This path led me to an incredible opportunity to visit one of my best friends in the entire world, who I hadn't seen in over 11 years.  During my travels and in visiting with her, I also had the chance to visit with some friends that I hadn't seen in 15-18 years.  Way more then a lifetime ago!!!

It was truly wonderful, and also very insightful.  It is truly a unique experience to last go from knowing someone at 12 and 13 years old, and now to see them at 30 and see the character traits that they kept; the ones they let go of; and how they have grown into an adult and more importanly, a wife and a mother.

I have always prided myself on having a pretty incredible memory.  It even amazes me sometimes, that I am able to recall so many of the places that I lived, and schools that I attended; since there were so very many of them.

While visiting with my girlfriends over dinner, I was amazed at the memories that they had stored that I had COMPLETELY forgotten about over the years.  Of course, as soon as they spoke of theirs, it immediately flared mine to life as well.

To find that you connect with someone on the same level that you did two-decades ago -- there is just no word that describes that.  The pride that you feel in what they accomplished; the feeling of wish-fulfillment that is in your heart, because you truly never thought you would see that person again.

In my world, these friends were MORE than friends.  They were the center of my existence.  They were what kept me from drowning in an emotional tidal wave.  I knew that when the verbal abuse or physical beatings were over, that they would be the constant.  At 12, there was no way for them to know that, but it was true and still is.

To say that I owe some of these friends my life; that they were what kept me from giving up and going down an even darker road, would be an understatement.

Furthermore, to hear that even at ten, 11, and 12 years old -- that they could see what my life was like and what my mother was like TO me, brings up another set of feelings.  They were helpless -- there was nothing that they could do for me but be my friend; and that is exactly what they did.

The happiness that I have in my heart for finding and reconnecting with these women is truly one of the greatest moments of my life.  It feels like a rebirth of sorts.  Now, I just have to take that joy into the other facets of my life and go with it. 

I need to keep the good parts of myself and lose the negative ones; bury them if you will, and never let them crawl back out.  I DESERVE THAT.  I have to remember that.  I have to remember that while I have some good memories, they are few and that is because my childhood and adolescence was stolen from me.  It is up to me not to let my adulthood, and the time of my children's childhoods to be stolen from me as well.  That can only be taken from me if I let it, and I refuse to be robbed yet again.

God, be with me.  Be with those I love and help us all to find the peace and happiness that only you can give us.  In Jesus' name, Amen.