What New Year's has to offer...

I always find New Year's much like those little two words at the end of a good novel, 'The End.'  This year especially, I saw that with a much exasperated sigh of relief.  This year needs to be over.  In fact, entering a new decade gives me even more hope.

While the Millenium provided me with a wonderful husband and my lifelong partner, as well as two of my children being born in this decade; it was overall, extremely challenging.  I know that this doesn't just go for me.  I have seen so many people struggle over the past few years in a variety of ways.

Tomorrow offers us all a fresh dose of hope, an encouraging emotional breath of a desire for something different, for change.  It has made me think about so many of the things that I hope to happen in the next decade:

Our daughter will graduate high school and will leave for college.
Our two oldest sons will graduate, God willing.
Our oldest children MIGHT get married before the end of this decade.
We MIGHT be Grandparents in the next ten years. (GASP!!!)
We might persevere through some of these struggles and a live a more stress-free life.  (Hoping.)
We will hopefully be more selective about the relationships that we develop and keep. 
Our beloved dog Berkley, will probably live his last in this decade.  (Very sad.)
We will very possibly lose Brian's Grandparents.  (I don't even want to think about it.)

There are so many things that are possible.  So many things that are sure to happen.  Not all good, you can be certain, but hopefully the scale will tip in that favor.

I just know that right now, I am looking forward to the mere possiblity of leaving all of this behind.  I'm not sure why the ticking of a clock towards midnight offers me that aspiration, but it does.

I hope and pray that this year and this next decade help all of our wishes come true; it allows those we love to remain healthy and safe and prosperous; that we have as minimal heartache as anyone should have to endure, and above all that we are loved and cared for. 

God blesses us each and every day.  I pray that I can keep that more in mind...

A very accurate statement about love...

Yes, it is 1 a.m. and I am awake.  Not very shocking for those of you that know me.  Figuring that I might be a little constructive, I went in to iTunes to update my iPhone and decided while it was updating I would check out the new free Apps (applications that you can put on this handy-dandy little device.) 

Anyhow, looking for free books to put on there to read while I'm doing all of those fun tasks like waiting at the doctors office, the DMV, the Post Office (especially this time of year), I ran across a book called, "Why Did I Marry You Anyway?"  Of course, the title grabbed my attention and even made me giggle.

On the second page of this eBook, I found the following statement, which I instantly appreciated.  It is as follows:

Love is friendship that catches fire; it takes root and grows one day at a time.  Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity; you are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy; there are nagging doubts, unanswered questions; little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely.  It might spoil your dreams.  Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfections; it is REAL. -- Barbara Bartlein, RN

As Brian and I get ready to celebrate our 11th Christmas together, I can definitely relate to this.  I thought maybe some of you could do.

All my love,

Christy

An inspiring Sunday Sermon...

I have always prided myself on NOT being a CEO Chiristian aka Christmas. Easter. Outta there.  You know the type, some of you may even be the type.  However, over the past couple of years, that is exactly what I've become. 

I used to be much more dedicated to my faith then that.  (I am Lutheran.)  Even when I had four children under the age of ten, and my husband was never home, I somehow always managed to get there (and generally had the fun of juggling an infant who wanted to eat or who got a tummy ache and loaded their diaper and soiled their clothes right before having to walk up to the altar for Holy Communion, or something of the sort).

But somehow, I have constantly let L-I-F-E (I say it like a four-letter-word expletive) get in the way and have lost site of what is truly important.  Now, keep in mind that I somehow kept up with all of my responsibilities to the different boards and committees that I was on, but let my position with God slip in the process.

I have struggled immensely since September as most of you know, and every Saturday, my little boys especially start in with, "Mom, are we going to church tomorrow?"  I generally respond with something like, "I don't know.  Maybe.  We'll see."  I'm sure you get the point, and the next morning, mainly due to my inability to sleep; we never quite make it.

Well, with the Lord's help, we made it this morning and I am SOOOO very glad that we did.  I know in my heart that he wanted us to get there today, just to hear his voice through our pastor's words.  So, I'm going to recap it for the rest of you, so that maybe you can find some of the same much needed advice that you might have been looking for recently.
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By:  Pastor Bob Stone  (Paraphrased)

There once was a farmer who had a very old Donkey who fell down an old well.  It was the farmer's opinion that the Donkey wasn't worth saving, and so he called his friends and neighbors and asked them to all grab a shovel and come help bury this Donkey that was in the old well.

While waiting for his helpers to arrive, he threw the first shovel full of dirt down on top of the donkey, and as he did, was inspired with an idea:  Shake the dirt off of your back Donkey, then step on it and get back up."  So, shovel-full by shovel-full, the Donkey shook the dirt off as it hit his back until he was able to just step out of the well, that was of course his plight to begin with.

The lesson:  What seems to bury you, might actually be your personal avenue to freedom.  Shake it off and step up!

Also, to help and to prepare is not to be a helpless victim or circumstance.  Are we prepared? 
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There was some amazing Advent ponderings as well, but I'll save those, before this turns into a book.  I just absolutely was inspired by Pastor Bob's words today.  Maybe all of the weight that has buried me the last few months is my own personal avenue to get to where I need to be.  Something that definitely deserves some further thought......

God's blessings to you all,

Christy

Keep learning, keep moving...

It hasn't been nearly as long in between Blogs this time.  I'm impressed with myself.  Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit; I suppose that's possible.

I have continued to try and move upwards and onwards since my trip to Seattle.  I can't believe how after not seeing friends for 12 years, a visit with them is like ripping a bandaid off of a fresh wound.  We miss each other soooo much now!  I am planning on going back in January.  Even with five children, it's easier for me to get away then for my BFF.

I was thrilled to come home and have The Twilight Saga: New Moon be released that week.  We went to see the theater play the original Twilight movie, and then the midnight showing of New Moon.  I have NEVER seen so much passion from fans, or craziness at midnight at the theater.  It was fun to be a part of it though and I DEFINITELY am planning a repeat for Eclipse in June. 

It may seem funny for a now 30-year-old woman to love a saga so much, but as Stephenie Meyer, the author has said; she never wrote it with the teenage demographic in mind and who can't fall in love with a love story that is all about eternity and being in love forever?  I know that I can't.

We just survived Thanksgiving, and Black Friday.  Definitely one of my favorite weekends of the year.  We spent it with Brian's family and my mother-in-law put on one of her absolutely fabulous dinners.  She never ceases to amaze me.  Then, we went to a movie on Thanksgiving evening and stayed up ALL night and hit the sales beginning at 1:30 a.m., (well, actually 5 p.m. on Thanksgiving!!!).  All of my sister-in-laws and my MIL and I enjoyed finding the deals that help us complete our Christmas lists.

Kassie is getting anxious and is full of questions about leaving for college, but she has a confidence about her, too.  I'm so proud of her.

This is a new year for us.  We are doing things differently then we have ever done them.  I have ended some relationships that were definitely dead weight in my life, and even though it is probably best in the long run, it still makes my heart hurt.

I however, have to worry about me right now more then I ever have.  I have always put my children and other people ahead of things that I should have had as my first priorities and I have to learn from that.  Some days are harder then others, but some days are pretty good.  Today's been one of those days.  It's like taking a breath of fresh spring air on a 74 degree day.  Just keep moving...

Revisiting the past...

It's been awhile once again.  Time just seems to get away from us, doesn't it?

I've been on an interesting quest recently.  I have been fortunate enough to be provided some ample time for self-reflection and to dwell in my memories, trying to find some of the happy ones to go with the hoard of awful ones that always seem to haunt me.

This path led me to an incredible opportunity to visit one of my best friends in the entire world, who I hadn't seen in over 11 years.  During my travels and in visiting with her, I also had the chance to visit with some friends that I hadn't seen in 15-18 years.  Way more then a lifetime ago!!!

It was truly wonderful, and also very insightful.  It is truly a unique experience to last go from knowing someone at 12 and 13 years old, and now to see them at 30 and see the character traits that they kept; the ones they let go of; and how they have grown into an adult and more importanly, a wife and a mother.

I have always prided myself on having a pretty incredible memory.  It even amazes me sometimes, that I am able to recall so many of the places that I lived, and schools that I attended; since there were so very many of them.

While visiting with my girlfriends over dinner, I was amazed at the memories that they had stored that I had COMPLETELY forgotten about over the years.  Of course, as soon as they spoke of theirs, it immediately flared mine to life as well.

To find that you connect with someone on the same level that you did two-decades ago -- there is just no word that describes that.  The pride that you feel in what they accomplished; the feeling of wish-fulfillment that is in your heart, because you truly never thought you would see that person again.

In my world, these friends were MORE than friends.  They were the center of my existence.  They were what kept me from drowning in an emotional tidal wave.  I knew that when the verbal abuse or physical beatings were over, that they would be the constant.  At 12, there was no way for them to know that, but it was true and still is.

To say that I owe some of these friends my life; that they were what kept me from giving up and going down an even darker road, would be an understatement.

Furthermore, to hear that even at ten, 11, and 12 years old -- that they could see what my life was like and what my mother was like TO me, brings up another set of feelings.  They were helpless -- there was nothing that they could do for me but be my friend; and that is exactly what they did.

The happiness that I have in my heart for finding and reconnecting with these women is truly one of the greatest moments of my life.  It feels like a rebirth of sorts.  Now, I just have to take that joy into the other facets of my life and go with it. 

I need to keep the good parts of myself and lose the negative ones; bury them if you will, and never let them crawl back out.  I DESERVE THAT.  I have to remember that.  I have to remember that while I have some good memories, they are few and that is because my childhood and adolescence was stolen from me.  It is up to me not to let my adulthood, and the time of my children's childhoods to be stolen from me as well.  That can only be taken from me if I let it, and I refuse to be robbed yet again.

God, be with me.  Be with those I love and help us all to find the peace and happiness that only you can give us.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

One day at a time...

Well, for an idea that was supposed to be a 'daily' Blog, I'm not doing very well at it, am I? 

Life has definitely gotten the best of me lately.  After some intense deliberation and self-reflection, I had to make the choice to eliminate a large portion of our livestock.  Those of you that know me very well at all, know how hard this was for me.  Of course this comes at a time when I wasn't handling life's challenges very well any way, so this very much added to my dilemma.

After confiding in some important people, I am trying to re-learn how to just put one foot in front of the other.  Take a deep breath now and then throughout the day, and just keep trudging forward.  Even on days when getting out of bed and taking care of my house and children seemed more then I was capable of.

Other days, I am blatantly reminded of why doing the above-mentioned is so important.  Days like this:

Lord, be with me...

It's been an interesting few days, but then, isn't it always?  This is my life after all.  For those of you that know me, you know that I struggle with depression and anxiety.  For the most part, I am a happy and upbeat person who does the best with what life deals me.  That was a skill I was forced to learn early in childhood unfortunately.

However, Clinical Depression is not something that you choose to have or you choose not to.  There are things that you can do to help alleviate your own symptoms such as diet, exercise, meditation, nutritional supplements, prescription anti-depressants, etc. -- But when it comes down to it, sometimes you just can't fight it off. 

It is like a giant tidal wave that washes over you and tries to use all of it's earthly force to pull you under with it until you suffocate and drown.  I fight to keep my head above water, but sometimes it's just..., well, it's just plain HARD.

It doesn't start and stop with one issue.  When this overwhelming since of loss and pain envelop me, it makes me think of every poor choice in my life that I've made, regardless of whether or not it has ANY effect on my life whatsoever at the current time, positive or negative. 

It overwhelms all of the great things and love that I have in my life and makes me think of everything that I don't have.  I don't know if that's just pathetic or vain or whatever you would call it, but it's just plain hard.  URGH. 

This time I lost 4 1/2 pounds in two-days time.  Not that I don't need to lose some weight, but this isn't the kind of weight that stays off, just the kind that dissipates quickly because of the lack of desire to eat or drink anything.  I cooked for the kids and did the shopping and tended the animals and everything that needed to be done, but mostly walked around with this thousand-pound weight on my shoulders and massive black cloud over my head. 

I guess I'm lucky that I recognize the sympoms.  That's what my doctor says anyway.  He says that I can see the train wreck coming, I just can't stop it.  He says that for people that can't recognize what's going on with them, it can be much worse. 

What caused everything this week?  I honestly don't know.  Hormones???  Maybe.  The change in my medication??  Probably had something to do with it.  Darren having one of his most horrible weeks ever???  Definitely a contributing factor.  Missing my girlfriends in Pendleton and Pilot Rock desperately??  Probably another part of it.  But in all honesty, there wasn't anything that really should have knocked me for a loop like that.

What pulled me out of it this time?  Strangely enough, it was Colton getting his hand slammed in a car door so firmly that he couldn't pull his hand out of it.  The door was on child-safety-lock and all he could beg was for somebody to open the door, so I jumped across the car and the back seat to throw the door open.  As I was trying to get him to breathe and calm down, I was shaking horribly.  I mean, I can deal with small accidents.  I'm not that big of a wus.  It was something else that totally overtook me, but it seemed to wake me up a little.  I still feel incredibly weighted down, but I was able to vacuum and do the dishes and the other things that needed to be done that until now I just couldn't find the energy or stamina to do the past few days. 

So, in short, I am trying to pull my head out of my rear end, so-to-speak.  I have a lot to do this week.  My DHI Supervisor training; milking cows at the dairy three or four times; Scouts on Wednesday; helping at Colton's school all day on Thursday for school pictures which also happens to be his birthday and school birthday party.  Brian will celebrate his birthday with him tomorrow.  Aunt Pattie is coming to spend it with us for his actual birthday.  Colton is having a camping/sleepover with some of his buddies under the walnut tree on Friday night.  I'm sure it will be as busy and crazy as a week as ever.  With our life, you couldn't expect anything different.

I still have about five loads of laundry to finish tonight, and have to get the boys ready for school, so hopefully I'll get back on here at some time this week. 

All I can ask, as always, is that the good Lord be with me.  Grant me the Serenity and all of that jazz.... sigh........

Tuesday, September 15th -- Just another crazy day...

Well, we certainly didn't start our day off very well today.  When I got out of bed, I felt really green and yucky.  Right as I told Brian that I wasn't feeling so good, he mentioned that he was feeling kind of sick as well.  Not a good start for sure!

After trying to collect my stomach, I stumbled outside to start chores with Darren.  We got the horses, cows, goats, pigs, rabbits, chickens, cats and dogs fed; which then of course led to Darren begging me to ride horses again for the next half-hour.  I tried to make him understand that Mommy just wasn't up to it.

I had an extra child with us today, another three-year-old named, Tim.  It gives Easton someone his own age to play with, so when they aren't driving me crazy, can be pretty nice.

Darren is having some huge challenges right now with his OCD and that can make every day seem neverending. 

Colton came home and after days of working on his campaign posters for student council Vice President, today we had to finish up the Cookie Dough Sale Fundraiser that has to be turned in tomorrow.

Kassie and Matthew came home and Kassie of course is bogged down with homework, especially from her A&P class (otherwise known as Anatomy and Physiology).  It amazes me to think that she has another ten-years of college of looking and things that even in my slightly aware state, can't possibly comprehend.

I caught about a fifteen-minute nap laying down with Easton until Darren woke me up to let me know that dinner was almost done and Grandma and Grandpa Smith were coming out to have dinner with us.  So I finally made it to the shower at about 5 o'clock in the evening and got ready to spend some nice time with family and friends.

It's hard to decide if the highlight of the evening was Grandpa shooting the semi-automatic Nerf gun at the two little boys or watching him right a little boy's dirtbike -- I think I'm voting for the dirtbike.  LOL.

Grandma and Grandpa have left and I still have a million things to do.  Brian leaves for work in the morning for six days, so need to help him get his cooler packed.  Colton and Matthew are milking the goats tonight, so I can help Kassie concentrate on a few of her lengthy assignments that are due this week.  I have to get Darren's lessons ready for tomorrow, (he will be visiting his new classroom on Monday to see how "real" school is going to work out for him this year), and I would love to read just a little bit of my book if at all possible.  Easton is begging for a piece of the brownies that Daddy baked, so I had better go help him get a generous piece, or he may just grab a fork and the pan!

How fun!

TaTa for now...

Welcome to RegardingChristy!

Welcome to my Blog -- RegardingChristy.  As life goes from crazy to crazier and back again, I have used Blogging on MySpace and other Networking sites to more or less help me clear my head, and have found it as a saving grace and as a way to brief the important people in my world as the insanity that I call "My Life."  :O)

I hope that you enjoy our happenings and find that even when you don't think you can take anymore, there is always a new adventure around the corner, that is sure to keep the craziness continuing -- for at least another day anyway.  I have always said that I am not going to go grey -- I am going straight to bald.

Sincerely,


Christy Smith